estoy creciendo

hole

my skin peels away like white glue
a thin layer
falling
leaving less of a me each time
look at me!
i am a woman
the fear is real
i want to be touched before the i cracks
the days, weeks go by
and i'm here alone
in a box you keep me
where no one can see
the last of my beauty
my flowing hair
and darkest eyes
you can see the sadness
in the shape of my mouth
i want someone
that can see me and think
"you are truly a beauty"
anybody!
feel fingers go down my arm
soft kisses down my spine
someone who explores
every nook and crack
before wanting just to be inside
in a hole

compassion

it's so easy to write when i'm low
when i feel i took another blow
give me a fucking happiness muse
i think this i could surely use

but here i am

each day more cynical
...and more naive

wanting the happy ending
but frozen still and bending
why don't i move myself
what passions are on a shelf

but here i am

each day older
...and knowing less

my eyes are glazed

i hang on compassion

OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG
OM MANI PADME HUNG

don't hurry past

i enter the doorway
knowing the room i'm in
facing the gloom i'm in-
(i'm in) need of some love
of yours
(but you)
give me no hope
(sometimes)
we have this little game
(you see)
and it's just
gettting so lame
(i have)
more than a glass
(of that)
white wine i stole from you
and it pains me
that you don't feel it
like i do
it's just a game for you
until it's over
then you can't turn back
and wonder
where did we go bad
i can tell you now
i can't give up
but my aching heart
says we'll never last
don't hurry past
what we can be
so much to be
if only you could see
past...
my aching heart
i n t o m y l o vi n g s o u l

a limpiar

aterrizamos lentamente
veo los techos y las piscinas
la grama y el tope de los arboles
ya estamos aqui
pero por favor no pintes todo de rosita
te quiero
si, pero demosle un descando
a la brocha

exploremos las cosas como son
sin "tape", please!!
y reparamos lo que se pueda
y lo que no sirva lo botamos
a ver que sobra de el tornado que juntos soplamos
con nuestros egos y expectativas

a botar escombros y limpiar esta playita
a ver si nadamos en agua clarita otra vez.

unfeeling

i felt the unfeeling
mourning for what no longer
lives and plays inside me
that makes me smile inside
when you pass me by
i'm sorry
will it come back?
is it temporary?
i don't know
i still love
but that other feeling is gone
for now...

you can't take me

you can take everything away
but you'll never take me from me
you can lie all you want
but the truth is always free
secrets that you make up
on your heartless exposition
on your mind game expedition

but you can't take me with you

i am so much stronger than what you know
and you think my past you know
but you don't know how much stronger it made me
it's a low blow when you use it to shame me
but you still can't take me from me
it only reminds me of what i've overcome
and how much bigger than you i've become
it only gives me more power
a bubble of love by the hour
i create for what's important to me
cause you can't take me away from me

what i want

Tired of crying and of feeling tired.
of words.
i want to see the love.
i want the world.
i want so fucking much..just the dream..
of someone head over heels in love with me..
someone who adores me..
who can't have enough of me..
someone who can't stop kissing me
begging me to stay.
someone who will cry for me.
someone who holds me
and dries my tears.
maybe i want too damn much.
maybe that happens only in movies.
maybe it's just not for me.
maybe i came to this world to experience other things
grow in other ways.

but what i want and what happened changed everything
and now i need to think.
I want to give my child SO MUCH.

Think! Don't feel!
Don't feel, just think.
Don't think, don't feel,
don't look at what's not there!
don't look for what's not there!
don't hope for pipe dreams
get rid of that silly hope
wake up and be strong
walk away and move on
Be Strong, Be stroNg be Strong, be stronG be strOooooooooong
be still
 broken over and over and over.

inventandomelo

aqui estoy...poco a poco creciendome

controlandome

manifestando paciencia

transformando mi tristeza en fuerza

revolcandome por dentro y buscando la paz
para redirigrle a Ocean

creando un ambiente de harmonia en uno desequilibrado
para que Ocean siga sonriendo

inventando la realidad para el
haciendo de tripas, corazones

sintiendome enferma por dentro
y exhalando amor

como un picasso

ayer me quite el sombrero de madre
y una mujer salió por la puerta
pero el sombrero estaba adentro
y sabes que? no esta nada mal
me recalco y me sorprendo
al ver la intuición
fluyendo atraves de mi
me veo crecer
en el reflejo de sus ojos.
no hacia arriba, sino expandiendo,
llenandome mas de mujer...
de otros angulos de mujer,
como un Picasso.

y el fue el causante
de esto que me transforma
al menos de una forma.
el viento soplo en tu direccion
y me voló al centro de mi vida.

it all turns multi-color

it's like without it
my world is black and white
but when you smile
it all turns multi-color

there's no bigger love
than the one i feel
for you
and it fills me up
to love you
it makes me complete

my life is now measured
by before you
and after you
because you turned it upside down

you make a rainy day a gift
i can swim in your eyes
my ocean
my love

urge hablar

urge, porque realmente no sabemos cuanto tiempo quede
y necesito tiempo para creerte
porque todo esto afecta aquello
y el tiempo lo hace irreparable
no te das cuenta de lo que estas haciendo?
de las implicaciones que esto todo tiene para algo que tu tambien quieres?

urge...porque si no lo hacemos y resolvemos...
quizas me tendran que cortar la piel...
y no solo por mi...pero para la experiencia completa
para esa bienvenida...sera al lo que le hemos huido con todo nuestro esfuerzo.

urge porque hay algo MAS GRANDE que tu y yo!
y ahora es el momento de hecharlo todo a un lado y permitir que el amor disuelva todo y reine y se establezca..el momento es ahora, no mañana, no cuando este dando a luz...
el momento es


.........ya!

deliverance

"this baby will deliver YOU" she told me...my mothers wise words. and i was thankful and happy for her wisdom.

"i create a huge bubble of love everyday" she told me....my friend in california.

and it seems to give you so much strength. to create something. a deliverance of yourself takes place and you can handle almost anything for the love. so i won't sink into him.

rise above.
rise above.
deliver myself graceful. nothing else matters.

angelica

te veo en mi sonrisa
y me pregunto...
como fuistes cuando madre?

quizas tengo mucho de tu espiritu
se que eras modernita
porque te empataste con alguien ya pasada los 65
eras rebelde? como yo?

sere mas como tu de lo que me imagino?

no te muevo

no importa que pase.
no importa si mis ojos no secan
y me voy mañana, sigues tu salida y tu sonrisa no se agota
silbas una melodia y escuchas musica
no importa si mi corazon esta mas roto
no tengo ninguna repercusion en ti
nada te altera
nada mueve el suele debajo de tus pies

mientras tanto yo me mojo de verguenza
de creer que te importa
de dejar que me muevas
me abochorno de entregarme a ti
no tenerte en mis brazos y creer que eres mio
que imbecil soy, pensar que te muevo
me quiebro por dentro y luego me mortifico
en un vaiven de esas dos emociones
me desconsuelo

dont hold on

yes, we have a good time together
yes. it feels good to embrace you
to let you hold me and kiss me and hug me tight
to feel your breath on the back of my neck
but i will leave
you don't know how sad it makes me


you tell me you want to try more
you dont want me to go
but you can't say you love me
and that's all i need to know
nothing else matters
nothing else feels right
if you don't feel it
then just let me go
dont hold on
to something you cant love
just let it go...

atrapada

ahora me encuentro aqui de nuevo, que mal..aqui..aqui no debo estar otra ves purgandome de cosas, pero bueno, aqui estoy.

y sin embargo, no se ni por donde empezar. ya perdi la costumbre. ahora, cada ves que intento escribirlo, todo suena como una queja. es que me abochorno de sentirme asi, cuando este se supone que sea el momento mas feliz de mi vida.
ya se me pasara.
por el momento, pues me siento aislada, un sentimiento con lo cual estoy muy familiarizada. Pero no es solo eso, es atrapada. El querer estirarme de algn modo para poder acomodarme y no poder. No hablo del fisico, sabes?
El no poder salir por falta de transporte y falta de dinero. Salir sola. Y cuando el se va y me deja aqui sola, me siento mas atrapada aun. Mas sola aun. Porque no tengo la opción de ir otra parte o verme con una amiga.
Nada serio, supongo, porque no sera asi para siempre. Son muchos otros factores que ni aqui me atrevo a escribirlos.

Tocame.
Secame las lagrimas.
Dime que me amas.

en mi vientre

no es nada malo
es que todo ahora es..
como en una nube, sin consistencia
no tengo agarre al suelo
mi tauro me lo recuerda

flotante, todo es flotante
y todo cambia, y ahora aun mas
se que viene un cambio abrupto
que me cambiara el color del cielo
y la vida
y respirare otro aire

yo no lo puedo creer aveces..yo???

tengo en mi vientre una criatura!

llegas asi de sorpresa
sin aviso con incertidumbre
por los lados
y no sabemos ni en donde poner la cabeza
y te quiero
te quise de antes
soñé contigo

ya se que te gusta la papaya
y la playa

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pero contigo

lo que quiero no tiene fin
ni fronteras ni espacios
solo las palabras que forman
etereos respiros
fracciones de luz
dispuestas a aclarar

huele a guayaba
suena al mar
se siente como arena fina en el fondo
o agua
el sol en mi espalda
cuando tengo frío
cuando comes algo rico
y se te queda el sabor en los labios

pero contigo

distorción de perspectiva

pierdo perspectiva y lo que quiero cerca lo encuentro lejos
y vice-versa...o no?
no sé.
tengo que preguntar, porque la mente juega trucos
y ya no le creo a mi razón.

lo lejos lo encuentro lejos
lo cerca lo encuentro lejos
todo lo encuentro lejos
tal vez la ida soy yo..
estoy lejos de mi tambien.

hálame cerca con el cariño
la soga esta floja, pero puedes con ella
hálame con tu maña de quererme cerca
y subo del fondo buscando aire
pero solo hay agua y yo
y todo esta lejos
hasta yo.

archivo y guardo

sentí el calor de su cuerpo junto al mío
mientras dormía en la mañana
luego me llene de frío
pues no está esta mañana

archivo eso

voy con mi día lleno de entremeses de quehaceres
creando las cosas que llenan mis dias
y hay una parte de mi cabeza
que se cubre todo de algo
como saber que está ahí
aunque los dias pasan

pero no me siento sola
porque lo siento calentando mi cama
siento su aliento en mi espalda

guardo eso

agradable

si deshojo la distancia y la amplitud de su espacio
elimino las etapas que transcurren con los años
si apago el sonido de mi reloj tic-toc
y sus sueños de criatura
si borro el resto de todas esas cosas

entonces solo quedamos tu y yo

en un largo suspiro
entre dos palmas en la playa
embriagados con nuestro aroma
atados con un beso que no se acaba
dandole un sentido nuevo
a un abrazo que es mil veces mas
algo extremadamente...agradable
como ese vino que nos envuelve
esa piña, papaya, limón

y eso hago...deshojo, elimino, apago, borro.
para llenarte de algo rico
y dejarte tocar mi alma.

r e c y c l e d

used, reused and recycled. i have recycled myself many times.
turned into something new, some different percentage of recycled material that composes me, each time more. each time, i use less of that essence of something new. new eperiences are now recycled similar ones, different place, different reaction, and the constant one thing..me.
Recycled.
Also to serve in a different way...to learn something new out of an old experience.
Recycled is not a bad thing. It's actually really good. It suffers less. It takes up less space in this world. Re-cycle...goes with the flow. Used is no more new. Disposed of. Reused is weathered and has sen better times. Recycled is transformed.

when i left i knew in my mind
it meant it didn't really mean
didn't really love me
but i wanted you to mean something
i wanted what we had to...
i wanted it to be grand
but it wasn't enough
and it just meant a time
and maybe a short love
in a hammock
far away from life
that is the only place
where it meant something real

the moment's real
when you find out how you feel
and you care to tell
in a glimpse of your soul

herramienta

recuerdo cuando era pequeña 10, 11 años..dicieldole a mami que dejara a papi.....pero si la hacia llorar. y hasta una vez lo intentó. vivimos por unos meses sin papi...ella empezó a estudiar en la universidad. no habian peleas. y ella no sufria. estabamos tranquilas.
pero no pudo mantenerse alejada por mucho tiempo. ella lo queria. finalemente la hirió tanto asi cuando yo tenia 17 años..que ya no pudo volver a el. su tristeza de convirtió en su vida. y en ese momento aprendió a mezclar sus lagrimas con el alcohol para beberselas mejor.
yo fui testigo. y cada vez que se emborrachaba hablaba de "tu padre"...recuerdos, se pasaba sal por las heridas, pero no para curarlas, sino para mantenerlas abiertas.
a los 17 tambien, para salir de ese infierno, me mude con el primer hombre que encontré. relaciones malas y pocas saludables fueron un patron por varios años. hasta que por fin me pude ir lejos. mas lejos aun. fuera del pais. hubo momentos en que logre que una relacion durara mas de 2 años.
ahora no duran ni 6 meses. ahora tengo 37. ahora parece que he perfeccionado la herrmienta que hace a un hombre desaparecer de mi lado imediatamente.

soy inteligente, creativa, tengo buena apariencia, luzco joven, estoy saludable, tengo sentido del humor. tengo en mano mi herrameinta. con eso los auyento a todos facilmente.

y asi ella no sufrirá. asi estará tranquila.

verdades

ahora no

la honestidad no tiene timing, debe ser siempre
y si buscabas el momento para ser honesto
entonces no lo fuistes

mis verdades
quiero verdades
quiero ojos sinceros
abrazos reales
besos de amor

por que lo haces si no lo sientes
o es que te mientes?

i cant believe you're out
of my heart
of my head
of my life

no more sleepless smoky nights
you are gone
it's a miracle i dont bump into you!
this island is so small..

i look back now and think
we were so foolish
and i forgive you
and myself

and i hope you are happy, brasil

di

me fui con una mariposa en los labios, aleteando sin poder volar
y se me deslizo el corazon hacia abajo, pero esta inflado
de todo el aliento que respire de su boca

mientras mas caigo mas quiero saber si caes tambien.
d i m e

y ahora sales tu y tu y tu, buscandome
es que su aroma lo percibes y quieres mi deseo?

peliculas en mi cabeza
ya no se que no es real y que es ficticio y vice versa
solo se que me cayo para que no se escuche
palpita

y dejare de pedir porque me hace ver necesitada
y la realidad es que tengo mucho por dar
peo no se si tu lo quieres

y las cosas que quiero,
no se si las puedes dar
no se si las quieres dar
no se si estan
no se
caigo y la incertidumbre se agranda
y una palabra mutua vale mas
que mil "holas"
aleteando por la linea

se cae

es que cuando le dejas de hablar alguien..rompes la comunicacion. se rompe algo. se cae le llamada, se desconecta el messenger, se dificulta. las lineas tienen que permanecer abiertas..si tan solo para decir que hora mismo no quiero comunicarme.

i saw you in pain. and it hurt to see you that way. the same way it hurt to see her in pain because of you. like you chose to leave she had chosen to stay. i know.

so, goodbye.

let another day start.

hoy me senti que no encajaba conmigo. una inquietud no exactamente eso. era como una incomodidad con.... quizas estaba tratando de ser otra cosa que no era yo. estaba tratando de ser normal y decir cosas normales pero como que yo no estaba harmonizada con el resto de mi. eso tiene sentido?

ok ok..voy a hacer yoga. necesito un tune up.

volar

voy a volar otra ves.
sueltame y ya no dudes de mi. alegrate, porque voy a volar.

lamemos a anna nichole

como le dije a mi amigo,todas estas palabras son el vómito de mi bulimia emocional. muchos de nosotros creamos asi...vomitandolo al estilo jackson pollock..con clase.
un poco de coltrane...un dedo en la traquea..y creamos sublimes retratos del dark side del alma.

anna nichole nos hipnotiza. heroin chic esta de moda. vietnam revive.

y todos nos lamemos las heridas.

en el medio

soñé contigo. me besabas. tu pelo era diferente. hablabamos un poco sobre lo que paso pero nuestros besos se metían en el medio de la conversación.
y me sentí..ahi en tus brazos. fue real. y se que volverá a suceder.

mi desnudez>
quiero otra piel. para que me contenga mejor. y al mismo tiempo quiero salir de aqui y poder ser mas transparente aun para sentirte mas profundo y para acariciarte totalmente.
por que sobre todo, quiero darte eso. y no hablo del cuerpo.

desaparecistes. con todo y tu cuerpo y tu voz y tu amor.

y mis desnudez ahora se siente mas fria y al mismo tiempo se transforma. y cada una de mis lecciones son metamorfosicas.

a veces hago todo al reves.

hypersensitiva> la tierra se abre debajo. caigo en el vacio. todo lo siento 10 veces mas. me pierdo y no me encuentro.la terquedad me detiene.

y lo que no quise esperar ahora lo espero el doble. gota a gota.

esa virtud

eres mi amiga pero es una amistad tempestuosa. de mi parte. yo quiero que estes dentro mio.
paciencia.
esperar.
a un momento mas oportuno, las cosas caen en su sitio sin forzarlas.

amiga. eres una virtud. solo me quedas tu, y siempre has estado disponible, aunque no te reconozca.

te digo para ver si me entiendes..que creo que el corazon inmaduro no se rige por ti.soplale a mi boca tu esencia a ver si me consume. logra que mi amor te deje entrar. se que tu me salvas siempre. y nuestra enemiga es esa impulsiva energia maldita. no hablare de ella para no darle mas poder.
te escucho de lejos y añoro tu llegada, tu beso, tu aliento para que me consuma y asi, asi se disipa la insolente en mi.
no te imaginas cuanto te anhelo, paciencia.

ask
believe
receive

i'm having an apple a day. (a green one)

capricho que alcanza

estirando el alma a ver si llega...llegó?
queriendo que esa voz tracienda la lejanía
corre una linea de pensamientos
que dicen que son solo eso
ideas, caprichos
pero cuaja en el pecho
alcanza
justo para soplar besos en la noche

a moment in time to enjoy
and if that is what life brings
maybe the sooner you learn to just accept what you're given
the more life will give you.

say goodbye to the time with a smile and let it be what it wishes to become.

yoga break

after almost a 4 month break from my yoga practice i am back to my routine. much needed. i've studied the theory of yoga..but as pattabhi says:

"yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory "

i don't know why i leave my mat. i stop and i don't know why. maybe it puts me in a place so real that there's something there in me that i don't want to face. but eventually i come back to my mat.
my relationship with yoga is fairly young. I was introduced to it six years ago but didn't make it a part of my life until two years ago. even though i know how it's supposed to work, it is still a big mystery to me. all i know is that i am a happier person when i do my practice..and that is enough. i won't try to solve the mystery because that in itself defeats the purpose.

this time, while off my mat, i read about yoga. you could say that i never stopped practicing yoga. i just stopped doing the asanas. and you'd be right. because yoga is so much more than just the poses. nurturing my yamas, niyamas...practicing pranayama.

regardless, my body welcomes the asanas. and my whole embraces the mystery.

lotus tree

carry and rest

in this dark hour
all the strength that carries me
takes rest
and fear and pity are allowed
to surface my emmotions

it must be.
it needs recognition
in order to be released.

strenght must rest from time to time
in order to continue to carry me through
for i don't feel light

should i let go of all my wants?
there's so much i do want
it only magnifies
that which isn't there right now
i thought i had stopped desires
but i guesss i secretly still hold them close
but what is wrong with wanting?

waiting for my story to continue somehow
this pause is frightening
this poem has no end...

i wish i could use the invert selection on me, like in photoshop. that would be my halloween costume...

incubation

the thing about me...

i don't know how to compromise my ideals as an artist.
i guess you could say that i "choose" not to compromise, and you might be right. B ut it feels like it comes from somewhere so deep within me that it feels better...

although I do know how to do it. I did it. I've taken jobs that I know are gonna look shitty. where the client overrides every design suggestion. where anything different from what has been done, will not fly. i've done it for the money. and in the long run...i'd rather be broke.

I DON'T COMPROMISE.



it sounds restrictive and unflexible.
but i love what i do. i love designing so much. when a client takes the fun part (designing) of the job away from me...then what have i become?

HELLOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

vida, estas ahi!??!?
es que hace tiempo no pasa nada y pues...
eco, eco, eco eco.

debería quizas estar agradecida, porque si no pasa NADA, por ende no pasa nada malo.
sabes..a veces percibo la vida como una oficina que tiene muchos departamentos.
dept. de familia
dept de trabajo
dept de vida social
dept del amor
dept de contabilidad

resulta que todos mis departamentos estan en lay-off. la oficina esta casi cerrada. lo unico que queda operando es el dept de (a ver que me invento....) eh, recursos humanos (?!?)
si. me estoy preparando, ahorrando, educando, promocionando, despertando. un cierto "re-grouping".

eso es lo que esta pasando y nada, por eso es que no habia escrito. no hay mucho que contar.

ying yang

es raro, pero nunca he estado en una situacion como esta, en donde estoy incomoda en donde resido fisicamente y tengo muchas inconveniencias , y al mismo tiempo me siento tan tranquila espiritualmente.

tengo una fuerza interior que me brinda perseverancia. y nunca la habia tenido antes. he estado en lugares comodos, en mi propio espacio, con transportacion..en fin, comodidades de un adulto, y en ese sitio he estado en el infierno, intranquila, deprimida, eratica.

me siento mas sana que nunca antes.

daydream

"...anytime you want you can come here to visit. you have a place to stay here with me."

let me daydream about that. let me go where i have not been before and forget all i will leave behind.

i've never been to venice.

how do you...?

sleep. do you take a long time? do you drift off easily? do you toss and turn?

lately sleep doesn't catch up with me until about 3 or 4am. so i work.might as well. i get ideas. i worry..i eat sunflower seeds. i watch my cat sleep. starting from the ground up isnt easy with a handicap. but yes...i'vr done it b4 ans i can do it again..yes yes...

do you ever wonder what life would be like it everything happened your way?

family

they repossesed my car!
in a matter of minutes all the members of my immediate family where there.
sob, sob..
dad: "at least you don't have to worry about high gas prices".
sis gives me a hug. bro ther talks about his neck and shoulder pain. mom makes sure everyone has eaten and aren't thirsty. lola (my cat) seems to think it's a good time to pee on my bed.
it was one of those sitcom moments, when passing thru a hard moment, crying, it all seems to come together. it was sad and funny momnent at the same time. everyone was there, in their own way, for me.

that is what family does. they are there.

tengo

en menos de 24 horas se me vino todo encima
como una grieta en el techo que se agranda y agranda
dia tras dia hasta al fin ceder
desplomandose todo (no todo, aunque asi parezca).

creo que estoy pasando por uno de los mas dificiles momentos de mi vida
y fijate, puedo sonreir todavia. claro, no todo el tiempo..
es facil sentirse la lastima.

tengo una gata fiel que me sigue a todas partes. tengo. tengo mucho.
y en menos de 24 horas (quisiera yo), saldre de este virus. y quizas la grieta en el techo que cedió sobre mi, se abrio para dejar la luz entrar.

Box #3

I have a box in that space above my bedroom closet. I've had the bx for 3 years.

Have you ever had one of those?

It's full. I know what's inside more or less. Pictures, journals, drawings...in short, memories.
I don't know why I never really got around to unpacking it. Organizing it. Maybe there's something in that box I'm not ready for.
Anyway..on the front of the box it says "box #3" in my handwritting. I numbered all my boxes when i moved from San Francisco to Puerto Rico. They were like 20 in total. So, # 3 must be an important box, considering it was one of the first.

I took it down an opened it a couple of times. Then I put it right back up. It was so full and so heavy. I moved, and it went up on another closet top. Then i moved again and another closet top. Now I'm moving again. Cool thing is it's already packed and ready to go to another closet top!

It's one of those boxes that never stops being a box. All those memories are perfectly hidden inside it's six cardboard walls.

I wonder what would happen if I unpacked it where I move to next. maybe i wouldn't have to move again...

on permanence, turbulence and change

not frazzled
keeping a calmness
in a movement, a breath
eyes watch an ease
and miss an internal turbulence
she must not have much to do
while i swim deliberate to unsink
change is the only constant
you know permanence
morning dawns
waves crash
sun shines
and the sky shelters your crown
as you keep on

finding your trueness

desencaje

pude ser tu nectar, tu angel, tu diosa
pero no te encajes...(ya lo hicistes)
o al menos suenan como latidos
pues revuelvo por tu cabeza.
quise un/el amigo y tu mirada me adoraba.

libero el nudo que te encaja a mi.

busca un agujero para salir
al otro lado del cuento,
curado con salitre.

no intento un mal en ti
solo quiero salir de aqui
mas tarde duele mas
el desencaje

my new crush

photo by michelle miner

despojo

you need to close a door to open another.

get rid of the old to create space for the new.

when things in your life are not working anymore, they start to stink. throw them away...clear up your fridge.

despojate.

stretching

i think that you say some things just to lean me closer to you. strectching a truth.
and when i think that, it moves me farther away.

he seemed pretty "what you see is what you get" to me. or i must be as blind as a bat.

don't stretch it to make me lean towards you. the truth always comes out in the end. and if i find outyou lied, you lose me forever.

the thing about me...

i like to be held in someone's arms.

the thing about me

when i make my mind up about a person it's really hard for me to change my opinion about them. i observe.
1. body language
2. eye contact and direction
3. facial expressions
4. what comes out of their mouths

in that order. you can say beautiful, kind things, but if the rest doesn't agree...you're not real to me.

we all have light

i saw her again. she never says hi.
this time at the studio. i was required to watch.
i knew she would be uncomfortable. i tried to not stare.

but there she was, someone who considered me her enemy. someone who talked about me badly. someone who i spooked. someone who spread lies about me.
and i watched, oh yes, i watched.

and i watched myself too. i watched how time and circumstance changes how we can interact. how i had no strong emmotion toward her. i watched how forgivness takes over. how we need to be kind to eachother. how we need to see the good in every person.
no, she will never be my friend. but i will give her my smile and hope that the light within me aknowledges the light within her, because we all have it.

practice

E Q U A N I M I T Y

no time

yep, no time to write.
it's all yoga yoga yoga.

and more yoga.

suryanamaskara A.
utthita padanghusthasana.

you get it.

sharing

and so, as it might seem against all odds, i decided to jump in and join the YTT (yoga teacher training) program.

Two obstacles where blocking my goal:
a) money
b) ex also in program

while B was easily taken care of (we parted semi-amicably, give eachother our space and the yoga center is neutral ground), A, hasnt been resolved quite as easily. But I decided, at the last moment, i heard two senteces that made me jump.

" Follow your heart".
" The money will always come later".

And my gut tells me that I will be a better person because of it. Many rooted for me..you can do it> and I believe in the end I will give so much more of me to them and all who want it.

Share the love.

b

to be or not to be.

there is no question.

be.

crossroads

and so be it.
arrows pointed in the direction i did not want. but i guess acceptance is at hand. allowing a path to walk towards.

today i recieved 4 rejections, 4 negatives, 4 no's.

so now i step aside and think. or not think. or what?!? yes, just go with the motions and do whatever i need to do to make things better for me.

i hold in my hand Mannaz, the rune of The Self. Urging me to begin by being clear with myself- facing up, admitting, releasing, whatever it takes.

"Do no turn to others but look inside, in silence, for the enemy of my progress." A blockage needs to be released.

Growing pains are good.

the thing about me

i'm like the salmon..i swim against the current. some might find this a courageous thing. i fight my way to get what i want, but it is exhausting and really... it's easier to go with the current.

go with the flow.

crossroad

that's where i'm at.

a turning point. kinda scary, kinda adventureous, kinda quiet, kinda loud. a path to choose.

am i going with the flow or forcing something? i have fought for something i want, and now i have to decide. do itake it?
an answer will come and i'm looking for the signs.

that omen. an arrow.

dancing in the island of enchantment

music. i am very particular about it. i love to dance to a good DJ. but on this island it's difficult. Godfader spins awesome. Velcro too. Last night i was looking to dance and ended up at a small club. Predator pretty much did a medley of hip hop, old school and reggae that sounded like a prom mix. just when you were getting in thr groove he would mix it up with something totally off and speak loudly on the mic. there was no flow.he was trying too hard to please everyone with hit after hit. sucked. so we wait for the DJ's to come...the ones that travel the world and hope they dig this little island. and in the meantime we listen to our ipods and dance at home.

ok, i will make an effort to not only post when i'm deep inside questions and gloom but also when celebration of day to day is here.

the thing about me...

distraction. i love it! focus focus..then you can enjoy the view.

the thing about me

as soon as i have someone to kiss on a regular basis, i quit smoking.

heavy

do without doing and everything gets done.

being silent and still makes me feel more. and i constantly move...filling my time with things to do.

i crave to stop. i can't cry. i hold my breath and go down to the bottom. i clean. the hungry eyes are there, still. i wan to hide away. i want to go to steps.

drowning out what i want for a moment of silence and stillness inside. pause. let go this heaviness that claims me.

but i told you i loved you. and you didn't hold me.

into me

you dont know what i think about
or where i''ve been
and you saw me dragging myself through the mud
and you couldnt figure it out
like, how many times i've done this
display of lowness
i do it over and over
and i know it's wrong
i slice a bit of skin
and nurse the wound
and make a scar in the same place inside me
that shows you how much i am not worth it
how much of me needs to feels wanted
how i want to feel special
and i make the worst of the worst
i kill every bit of hope
so you can show me how i'm special
with all my faults and all i fuck up
that you'll stick it out
you won't cave in
because you know that i
am worth so much more
because you took the time to know me
me, the one who will be there
and you know that if i drag
every single bit
you can see beyond what is there
into me

where do you go when you come(cum)?

i ask myself and you and you and you

do you know what it is to be tired of starting again?
to end over and over, each time a different ending?
have you ever felt the desire to keep a piece that you gave away so
you don't break a little more?
but you give it away anyway, hoping for love?
have you ever jumped in knowing it would fade?
do you ever feel jaded and broken and then new and willing to try it again?
have you ever goten drunk with jelousy and killed a love with it?
did you learned from it?
have you every been the one to wait and see and you saw that it was not for you?
have you ever just gone to a place in your heart that is full of unconditional love?
did you ever think you would love in 10 different ways?
did you ever feel a love so deep from someone, that it hurt you to feel it?
have you ever done something so hard that it stripped you away of everything you think you are? did you ever come back? did you change after that?
are you the same person you were 5 years ago? did you build up more walls or did you strip then away?
do you know what love is? do you want to know? do you sacrifice? should you?
do you ask yourself what you are here for?

it all goes round

you wanted me
but i didn't want that
you reeled me in
and i drifted away
and it all goes round
like a merry-go-round

'cause i drifted fast
ran as far as i could
and i melted your heart
then i drank it all up

'cause it's drifting away
now it's all coming back
and it all goes round
when i dive in and out

i knew it all along
saw the cloud from afar
but the sun was so bright
so i took it all in

knowing it would rain
it felt good
hungry eyes
and i ran with you
to a place not too real

but it's all i could do
you see, that's what i do
drink it like a shot
drunken kiss
taking it in
moving to a beat

'cause i die tomorrow
but not today
put it off 'till tomorrow
like a merry-go-round

and i ran far away
to a place not too real
where the sun never fades
and the steps lead me on
but it all goes round
and i dive in and out

wishing/washing

the same way you showed up
little by little leaving things
now little by little taking them away
and with them a piece of me that goes to nowhere

everytime i am more of my core
raw and tender
scratching a wound that keeps on opening
because i decide to open up
and letting go is difficult when a part of me goes
a love i give away
if it's true it will come back

if if if...
i only knew how to wash it away
with the break of a wave
how to hold myself
how to love completely
and carry on with the rest of me
still here,
here still
with another tear i must mend
with my breath
and the ocean clearing away my heart

but it's so easy to leave at the first sign of work.
i don't give up so easily.
but they always do.
why even give of myself?

soul dabble

a dance of pleasure
a sushi orgasm
contact, a stroke
sometimes only that and sometimes..
when your eyes have an ongoing dialogue and you go into yourself to feel a sigh and come out and into the other's,
a kiss on the forehead
dabble in places around the soul that you touch with tenderness

the breath meets and you taste a scent that feels like home

(when you give and you know it's now that you have and let go of the fear, then it's ...)

and beside all that: a tickle, a laughter, and days linger with an open door that has to be to allow you to come and to go. and come. and go. and let the breeze in.
and let it be.

abrazo

ok. y dejé que sucediera. que la vida traiga lo que viene para mí.
lo abrazo.

un hilo que se coce por aquí y se descoce por allá..así se siente mi vida.
algo llegó a mi vida que me llena de brillo. otras cosas que parecen ser impedimentos momentaneos..pero eso pasa. todo pasa. lo desagradable y desafortunadamente lo rico tambien.

lo abrazo. y para que se un abrazo aprendí que no es aguantar para siempre, porque se estrangula. es abrir mis brazos, pegar mi cuerpo y luego dejar ir.

esa magia la queremos guardar aunque sea etérea. me sumergo en ella. sintiendo su aliento en mis labios.

dando de mi. dando por querer. sin miedo. pues con miedo no es vivir. y caminando lado a lado se siente bien con alguien que tiene ganas de vivir. con sueños. ambiciones.

nos reímos y la vida tiene sentido.
lo abrazo.

broken silence

all a haze, daze
and days go by
together

and i just go with it
wondering,
what wheels spin

broken
but not unpoened

a silence holds my breathe

liviana

36

sin equipaje expirado ni ideas preconcebidas
no pensado ni determinado, sino con ese flow
esa onda llevadera, lo que se siente bien

ahora

habia estado respirando un ayer consumido
y filamndo un futuro incierto.
pero (ya tu sabes)>>>> ahora
es todo lo que tenemos.
asi que respiro

soplando un toque de levedad

posts

no, not every post is about you.

thinking 2

and those were thoughts. bad bad thoughts. insecruriities, not intuition.

i'm glad i didnt let them overcome me.

thinking

just tonite i have this thought that it's all wrong.
a thought that altough everything tells me not to think so much and just go with it...
that maybe i'm sabotaging myself.

a thought that danger is up ahead and i will be hurt. in fact, just thinking about it is already starting to hurt. why am i doing this to myself?

is it real? can i distinguish between my intuition and my insecurities?

a person that keeps on as if time didnt go by...but it has and you changed. but did you?
a young outlook, maybe even juvinile, still wanting to be crazy inlove. still naive and hopeful. and i look around and find myself sometimes wanting time to stop. still alternative in thought, but really wanting what everybody else wants too. to be wanted. but having is more important, it's not what you want but what you have.
freedom.
choices.
and what you can give of yourself.

músculo involuntario

sí, el corazón es un músculo involuntario/ok, no estoy hablando de un músculo: pasión...amor/que generalemtne atribuímos o relacionamos a ese músculo debido a que queda cerca del centro del pecho y generalemente late fuerte al uno sentir emociones. emociones de todo tipo: miedo, enamoramiento, nerviosismo, por mencionar algunas.
pero "el corazón"/"estas cerca de mi corazón"/"mi corazón te pertenece"...porque sin ese sentir se siente que ya no podrá latir más y moriremos. pero eso es falso. siempre seguimos viviendo, solo nos morimos brevemente un poco, y la condición humana predice y es evidencia de que no nos morimos de amor, o la falta de ese ser querido. somos una especie bastante resistente. nos morimos porque decidimos rendirnos ante la busqueda de nuestra felicidad. nos morimos un poco y luego recuperamos cabeza y seguimos adelante..claro, hay otros que no. como cuando una pareja de viejtos llevan juntos toda una vida y uno se muere y el otro le sigue. pues..la vida para el que quedo ya se vivió y no hay nada mas en sus ojos que pueda darle luz.
vuelvo pues a mi establecimiento de que el corazón es un músculo involuntario, pues ya me fui en tangente. porque es involuntario. no podemos dictarle a nuestro "corazón" en donde debe derramar su zumo. podemos decidir mentalemente lo que nos conviene pero al final el corazón da la palabra final. cuando estamos confusos nos dicen "escucha a tu corazón".."go with your gut feeling". cuando hacemos las cosas con el corazón, generalmente son las que debemos de hacer. cuando escuchamos nuestro instinto, mas alla de los impulsos, ahí esta la clave que nos lleva a experiencias ricas. ese músculo involuntario es nuestro yo interno. nuestra guía, nuestro dios. y escucharlo es darle fé.

D says: lol

D says: "lot's of love".

i wish he was 39, but he's only 14.

astros

la vi hace unas semanas y tambien hace unos dias
le sonreí

me agarró por el pelo y me mancho el nombre
revolcandose a sí misma
intentando provocar
pero ahora se calmó
se desliza el coraje
en gotas

lo malo nace del miedo

ya no existe un galán para esa novela
y creo que las dos salimos mejor
las estrellas de nuestras peliculas

tic-toc

tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc

i try to ignore the hands turning
maybe if i don't listen to them
they will somehow stop moving

tic-toc

wheels are turning
is my time up
just keep moving

it misses my perception
and i think...who am i?
just a time machine?
decisions are based on a clock and no more?
timing is everything, someone said
and many people repeated
am i a bomb about to explode?

in this race i live
the tic and toc keep
ticking and tocking

the folic acid i should be taking
stop smoking once and for all
eat healthy
prepare
prepare for what?

my body is a temple i must cherish
my life line is random and zig-zagging

tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc

thirty-six
in nine-teen days
it's ticking!
fuck, it's ticking loud.

maybe i should stop thinking of ticking.

witness

i took her cel with me.
she held it in her hand as if it was her heart and letting go would stop it's beat. i felt her grasp let go unwillingly, not wanting to give herself away, her weakness, her addiction.

the excitement, knowing it was so sickening in so many ways, thrilling to the vain.
the rush of the anticipation. the constant chatter of the details of the last encounter, the last conversation, the last words until the next ones and what would take place. the last looks. making up future scenarios, option A, B & C. if this happens i'll do this, if that, this..and so on.

she couldn't stop. she wouldn't stop. it made her alive.
athough there was a putrid stench we both couldn't ignore.

a witness i'd become. and she was mine.
we were both wrong. and we both died a little inside.

she had my cel.

check marks and beyond

you know i am not perfect.
those little check marks...
afiery
astubborn
ademanding
amoody
achildish
and those others...
acreative
a intelligent
asexy
acommunicative
acute
acaring

me.

that could lead into trouble, break a heart, shatter dreams. OR sucess, happiness, concrete hopes.

and promises are promises. words are worlds of letters.
the best intentions are susceptible to:
a the direction of the wind
aof the weather,
aof the wave
aof the determination to hold on.
like a ripple in the water...echoes of a movement intent.

those little check marks are there to make us see beyond the mirror. to gaze into ourselves and strip out patterns, and preconceived notions, and past experiences.

because it is only me.
and you.
and you and me.

q and we...

niegame

nunca quise ser la sombra de un amor ahogado
ni convertirme en la aspereza de una esperanza
no soñe con ser el paño mojado
de una noche muerta que grita en mi panza

olvidalo
dale mecha al viento
deja que se derrumbe en un lienzo

no le des mencion a memorias
que forman parte de un cuento malo
ni cantes triunfo a una gloria
que no se agarran ni a un palo

olvidame
devora un pasado
dejame correr a otro lado

siempre quise ser la luz de tu coro
y bailar en un tramo liviano
sudar la calma de un socorro
ser tu canto gregoriano

olvida ya
borralo todo
niegame de tu sueño

me tocas

tu me tocas
desde lejos
desde nepal
brasil
españa
o india

me tocas

te siento mirando las cosas...respirando, sintiendo. de cuando en vez, en un dia nublado quizas caigo en tu mente deslumbrada.

quizas no.

pero me tocas desde lejos
y con eso me conformo.