como es que he llegado hasta aqui de esta forma
he sido muy confiada y descuidada...lanzandome sin rumbo en los brazos del que me prometa amor?
o alejandome a mi misma de algo que tuviese un potencial serio?
el amor joven tiene sus ventajas: se promete la luna, el cielo, y las estrellas.
te brillan los ojos por dentro.
la dompamina te despabila.
pero siempre hubo algo que me detuvo. siempte paso algo.
pero ya somos mas realistas. la luna y todo el resto te lo buscas tu o ya lo tienes...y lo compartes. sientes una calidez comfortante. sabemos lo que es dopamina y serotonina.
veo...los que se lanzaron que ahora estan divorciados, con hijos y con hipotecas. y me recalco..
en veradad he tenido suerte. de algo.
waters
no diving in, just....
testing the waters
fria/caliente/tibia
be careful goldie locks
if you stay in the water too long you'll get old lady fingers and toes
and your lips turn blue or white
or your body still rocks like that boat you were on...
there's water in between your head and my brain.
just testing the waters,
but yes, i want to swim.
cuidado
hoy han pasado par de cosas que me han hecho mas consiente sobre lo que tomamos por dado.
fui a una playa en luquillo. mientras estaba en el agua me robaron una camara y dinero en efectivo que tenía en un bolso. no me di cuenta hasta mucho mas tarde pues estaba pasadola bien. eramos los únicos en la playa y aparentemente nos vigilaban hasta que estuviermos fuera de vista para llevarse esas cosas.
afortunadamente, no se llevaron ni las tarjetas ni las llaves del carro. lo puderon haber hecho.
ahora mismo hay un helicoptero rondando por mi casa, por las playas de ocean park, entre mi cuadra y dos mas alfrente y atras. esta bien bajito y buscando con un foco no se que...alguien escapado.
me siento segura aqui pues tengo rejas en todo el apartamento por dentro. y me sentía segura en la playa de luquillo tambien!
pero hay..peligro, vigilantes (considerados en esta ocasión), pero estan ahi. y a veces nos sentimos tan seguros, invencibles, en esa burbuja inventada de seguridad aparente.
hay que tener mas cuidado.
fui a una playa en luquillo. mientras estaba en el agua me robaron una camara y dinero en efectivo que tenía en un bolso. no me di cuenta hasta mucho mas tarde pues estaba pasadola bien. eramos los únicos en la playa y aparentemente nos vigilaban hasta que estuviermos fuera de vista para llevarse esas cosas.
afortunadamente, no se llevaron ni las tarjetas ni las llaves del carro. lo puderon haber hecho.
ahora mismo hay un helicoptero rondando por mi casa, por las playas de ocean park, entre mi cuadra y dos mas alfrente y atras. esta bien bajito y buscando con un foco no se que...alguien escapado.
me siento segura aqui pues tengo rejas en todo el apartamento por dentro. y me sentía segura en la playa de luquillo tambien!
pero hay..peligro, vigilantes (considerados en esta ocasión), pero estan ahi. y a veces nos sentimos tan seguros, invencibles, en esa burbuja inventada de seguridad aparente.
hay que tener mas cuidado.
valentines
what happens to all the left over teddy bears and chocolate hearts? what do they do with them? do the give it to the single people? do they put them on sale the next day?
el abismo pasajero
el abismo esta en la orilla.
ya se que no puedo estar cerca. ni una palabra.
ni una mirada.
examino mi sentir.
es profundo pero tiene fin (el abismo).
ya he caido ahi antes, ya conozco. eso. aquello. no hagas eso, no pienses lo otro. mira la luz y sigue caminando hasta estar lejos de ese hueco.
dejalo pasar. todo pasa.
mira que bien lo hicistes. solo caminando, paso a paso, hacia adelante.
ya se que no puedo estar cerca. ni una palabra.
ni una mirada.
examino mi sentir.
es profundo pero tiene fin (el abismo).
ya he caido ahi antes, ya conozco. eso. aquello. no hagas eso, no pienses lo otro. mira la luz y sigue caminando hasta estar lejos de ese hueco.
dejalo pasar. todo pasa.
mira que bien lo hicistes. solo caminando, paso a paso, hacia adelante.
levedad
que alivio, respiro aire fresco y una levedad me hace flotar. solo una cosa, un pedacito de información..me regala este estado. fuerte y capáz de todo. tengo la mecha en las manos. me desato. me contengo. cuando quiero y como quiero. imperdonable, porque no lo pido. SOY. así de sencilla. la que se escapó. la verdad me conquistó. la luna me dijo todo en un sueño y al despertar lo ví en mis ojos. y la ansiedad de mi centro se calmó entre las verdades que nunca se dijeron.
solo así.
dunes
a tumble weed goes in a determined direction
sliding through the desert of time
moonlit dunes glaze a blue gaze
of serendipity and synchronicity
the owl glides over the house of love
and transfixed and awed
as if underwater
you look on
at the art of it's flight
This image taken by the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity shows the dunes that line the floor of "Endurance Crater." Small-scale ripples on top of the larger dune waves suggest that these dunes may have been active in geologically recent times. The image was taken by the rover's panoramic camera on sol 198 (Aug. 14, 2004).
Image credit: NASA/JPL/Cornell
walk on the fire
I know you
I’ve memorized your smell
you hold me
underneath your spell
you’d teach me to walk on the fire
you’d try to make a liar out of me
so please let me know when the moment’s real
when you find out how you feel
damn this jealousy
I know it all too well
there’ll be no secrets
we can’t begin to tell
you’d teach me to walk on the fire
you’d try to make a liar out of me
so just let me know when the moment’s real
when you find out how you feel
lay: revised
lay inside mecool me
feel me
in the lightness
a shadow spoke to me
the gentle breeze of the past
but i did not not sleep
lay inside me
hold me close
so that i may breech
the sacrafice
the empty gaze
the winding maze
lay inside me
fuck your heart
love my ghost
spit my cunt
and never hold me close
lead role in a cage
you've been there.
and you've had that experience of having relationships not work out.
over and over.
and your boundries become larger and you're walls are higher.
because this time, you say, i'm not gonna just jump in
and then maybe get hurt.
no. i am going to make a rational, examined choice.
i'm going to take my time, observe.
but are you missing out on life? did you build your walls too high so no one can come through?
are you shutting yourself out?
then you met someone that clicked and threw everything out the window. just go for it! don't be afraid to live! love and pain are unavoidable.
and there must exist a balance, like in everything.
don't shut out, don't jump in.
so just observe and enjoy. but most of all, forgive yourself.
because itwas never just your fault.
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold confort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
and you've had that experience of having relationships not work out.
over and over.
and your boundries become larger and you're walls are higher.
because this time, you say, i'm not gonna just jump in
and then maybe get hurt.
no. i am going to make a rational, examined choice.
i'm going to take my time, observe.
but are you missing out on life? did you build your walls too high so no one can come through?
are you shutting yourself out?
then you met someone that clicked and threw everything out the window. just go for it! don't be afraid to live! love and pain are unavoidable.
and there must exist a balance, like in everything.
don't shut out, don't jump in.
so just observe and enjoy. but most of all, forgive yourself.
because itwas never just your fault.
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold confort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
todo es redondo
alguien dijo: esa gata siempre cae parada, aunque luego salga revolcada.
y nos paramos. el rumbo nos agota a veces y nos libera en otras. lento, rapido, save..el ritmo que llevamos dicta el animo. la sonrisa.
karma.
funciona. creo que si. lo veo en todo.
como una guia maritima, iluminamos intermitentemente...prendemos y apagamos..pero siempre volvemos a prendernos y apagarnos..contancia..continuidad. el espiral, la onda.
eso.
if i were you
now you show your true colors.
eventually everyone does.
and you know what?
fuck you,
and what is convenient for you
and your untouchable life.
you make a mess and dont want
it to dirty you,
but your hands are filthy.
how you use,
how you betray,
how you lie to yourself,
and everyone around you.
you're so sad.
am i an inconvenience for you?
probably.
i remind you of what you truly are.
and you don't want to see it.
you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror.
i wouldn't either, if i were you.
eventually everyone does.
and you know what?
fuck you,
and what is convenient for you
and your untouchable life.
you make a mess and dont want
it to dirty you,
but your hands are filthy.
how you use,
how you betray,
how you lie to yourself,
and everyone around you.
you're so sad.
am i an inconvenience for you?
probably.
i remind you of what you truly are.
and you don't want to see it.
you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror.
i wouldn't either, if i were you.
casi como
una cosa casi como paz
en sentido casi de ansiedad, mas no
un entremedio, líquido
un ojo abierto y el otro cerrado
un hipo
una pausa, un silencio
si mueres como yo, estas llano
si ries como yo, estas claro..de algo
un humo que baila con el aire en espirales
una sonrisa lejana
una luz tenue, atmosférica
una cosa casi casi como yo
en sentido casi de ansiedad, mas no
un entremedio, líquido
un ojo abierto y el otro cerrado
un hipo
una pausa, un silencio
si mueres como yo, estas llano
si ries como yo, estas claro..de algo
un humo que baila con el aire en espirales
una sonrisa lejana
una luz tenue, atmosférica
una cosa casi casi como yo
mi fortuna
el sonido de las olas rompiendo me despierta
ferozes
que fortuna
no escucho nada mas que eso
una y otra ola
el viento, el mar
lo contínuo
ah si, los windchimes
ferozes
que fortuna
no escucho nada mas que eso
una y otra ola
el viento, el mar
lo contínuo
ah si, los windchimes
hacer y deshacer
voy haciendo y deshaciendo
y me envuelve una cosa casi como paz
casi como tranquilidad
aunque una gota de recuerdo
me baje la mirada un tercio por momentos
y me ponga una pantalla
que me muestra como pudistes ser
pero continuo haciendo
y creo que mas deshaciendo
momentos que pense eran reales
sentimientos inventados
palabras redobladas
haciendo nuevos lazos
contando un cuento sin ti
y ahora la historia cambia
haciandome a mi al deshacerme de ti
y me envuelve una cosa casi como paz
casi como tranquilidad
aunque una gota de recuerdo
me baje la mirada un tercio por momentos
y me ponga una pantalla
que me muestra como pudistes ser
pero continuo haciendo
y creo que mas deshaciendo
momentos que pense eran reales
sentimientos inventados
palabras redobladas
haciendo nuevos lazos
contando un cuento sin ti
y ahora la historia cambia
haciandome a mi al deshacerme de ti
what!??!?!?
he's getting married!?!?!?!? she never liked me. i mean, actually, she hated me. i never had anything with him, he's just a friend. but we had to stop being friends because she was jelous.
i can't believe it. he complained so much of her jelousy!! but i guess he loved her enough to overlook it.
i dont understand men (obviously).
and he (another). he's having a baby!?!?!? he was never really too much into her...and now he's gonna be a daddy.
what is it? i mean..i would like to get married one day too (to the right guy, i might add). but i always thought maybe i was too possesive, or to this or too that. but i'm not. they are and it doesn't matter.
somebody please explain.
i mean, MEN. you love them, you hate them, you are there for them, you bitch at them...it doesnt really matter, does it? either they love you or they don't, right?
maybe i'm just the one they could never imagine really being with for too long. maybe i look sexier when i'm single. maybe it's that i'm lucky.
i can't believe it. he complained so much of her jelousy!! but i guess he loved her enough to overlook it.
i dont understand men (obviously).
and he (another). he's having a baby!?!?!? he was never really too much into her...and now he's gonna be a daddy.
what is it? i mean..i would like to get married one day too (to the right guy, i might add). but i always thought maybe i was too possesive, or to this or too that. but i'm not. they are and it doesn't matter.
somebody please explain.
i mean, MEN. you love them, you hate them, you are there for them, you bitch at them...it doesnt really matter, does it? either they love you or they don't, right?
maybe i'm just the one they could never imagine really being with for too long. maybe i look sexier when i'm single. maybe it's that i'm lucky.
highlights and downfalls of NYE2006
my mom telling an eight and a half pregnant woman that it's OK if she has a drink..then pointing to me and saying "i used to have rum and cokes while pregnant with her".
being with my immediate family and relatives all in one room.
watching fireworks.
posing for family pictures (everyone must be in it!)
hugging my sister.
trying to figure out who are the people on TV that do the count down.
driving in the rainy slippery highway on my way back home.
not getting a cel phone signal.
spendind the rest of the first hours of the new year with my best friends.
getting directions while driving to the after party on my cel phone from generous guy on a cel phone in the bathroom because it was quieter there.
being the designated driver (i had two beers the whole night).
trying to keep my best friend from tiliting from side to side in the front car seat while driving back (she was sleeping), then stopping abruptly on purpouse to make it happen (it was funny!).
being with my immediate family and relatives all in one room.
watching fireworks.
posing for family pictures (everyone must be in it!)
hugging my sister.
trying to figure out who are the people on TV that do the count down.
driving in the rainy slippery highway on my way back home.
not getting a cel phone signal.
spendind the rest of the first hours of the new year with my best friends.
getting directions while driving to the after party on my cel phone from generous guy on a cel phone in the bathroom because it was quieter there.
being the designated driver (i had two beers the whole night).
trying to keep my best friend from tiliting from side to side in the front car seat while driving back (she was sleeping), then stopping abruptly on purpouse to make it happen (it was funny!).
donde esta el party???
la busqueda eterna a ultima hora del party perfecto para despedir el año y darle la bienvenida al nuevo.
en casa de un primo de la amiga del novio de mi pana..
en Cupey en una casa con vista al Yunque?
en Rincón en la playa...
en Culebra...
en Jost Van Dyke...
en NYC...
donde quiera que sea...ahi estas tu. si, tu! trayendo tu buena vibra por dentro hacia fuera y lleno de esperanzas de que este año cosas maravillosas vendrán. dejando atras errores y contratiempos de los cuales aprendistes lecciones. tus ojos firmes en tus metas. tu corazón lleno de esperanza..
y eso es lo que vale.
la esperanza.
en casa de un primo de la amiga del novio de mi pana..
en Cupey en una casa con vista al Yunque?
en Rincón en la playa...
en Culebra...
en Jost Van Dyke...
en NYC...
donde quiera que sea...ahi estas tu. si, tu! trayendo tu buena vibra por dentro hacia fuera y lleno de esperanzas de que este año cosas maravillosas vendrán. dejando atras errores y contratiempos de los cuales aprendistes lecciones. tus ojos firmes en tus metas. tu corazón lleno de esperanza..
y eso es lo que vale.
la esperanza.
calma
culebra
flamenco
relax...breath
no me quiero ir de aqui...de eso. ahora vuelvo a la realidad. al trabajo y a mis peos mentales.
pero con mas calma.
your smile each time you passed me. how nice. that is all i have of you, and that is all i wanted. a shy smile with shiny eyes. it made me hopeful that i can find love out there. outside this funky phase.
and soon it will find me again.
flamenco
relax...breath
no me quiero ir de aqui...de eso. ahora vuelvo a la realidad. al trabajo y a mis peos mentales.
pero con mas calma.
your smile each time you passed me. how nice. that is all i have of you, and that is all i wanted. a shy smile with shiny eyes. it made me hopeful that i can find love out there. outside this funky phase.
and soon it will find me again.
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